For many years, I have, consciously or unconsciously, related to myself as a "loser" as per the feedback of my socio-cultural context.
Rather than treading the path of success as defined by most people on the conveyor belt of post-post-modernity, I have chosen the life of a loser, or so I am told: relative financial lack due to a refusal to save for the future (many I know who were intent on saving for the future have lost everything in the recent financial crises), definite obscurity/anonymity, refusal to procreate, conscious refusal to contribute to the "health of the economy", preferring to address inner and outer health through measured choices about consumption through mindfulness of where waste goes and how precious resources are used on this sagging planet.
Since I am, according to society, something of a loser, I have had little to say about my status, until recently, when I cognized in vivid color that a real loser is one who loses the many chances that life offers him or her to speak kindly, respect those who hold differing views, help others in strange and unique and perhaps insignificant ways (often the most impacting), serve, give, love, stretch.
Life's vicissitudes will always be there. To say I can't do anything because my situation is too difficult or I am passing through some crisis is just the moment to look past that and find a way to help another. Otherwise, we won't be able to plant the causes to be able to move out of our difficulty.
The actual, provisional, loser is a person who says "no" to or perhaps doesn't even detect all manner of chances to care about others, to express gratitude, to lighten others' load. I say "provisional" because like all things that belong to conventional reality, a loser doesn't exist except for an ascribing consciousness (someone's perspective) and a basis of the label.
No matter how gifted or rich in other ways a person might be, such as in relation, say, to musical or technical genius or net worth, a loser is a person who loses or misses out by not seizing the many golden moments that the universe delivers, asking us to extend beyond the comfort zone right then and there in the specificity of the very context we find ourselves in. That moment, that person, that very situation. So what is being missed? Untold satisfaction, joy, peace and good plain fun and laughter.
But extending oneself has to be carefully balanced with the specifics of the situation; if extending oneself in the direction of another yields only more suffering for self and/or others, or indulges one's own or another's bad habits, pathologies or manipulations, that's another story. For more on this theme read Garrett Keizer's marvelous treatment: Help: The Original Human Dilemma.
A person may have a net worth of millions and even give some of it away, and still be a consummate loser, if he is unable to be a presence of harmony, helpfulness, low-keyness (humility) love and gratitude. If we instill in others feelings of frustration, insignificance, fear, or sadness, all we will ever be is a loser no matter how grandly well off materially, physically, or intellectually. A person who has nothing materially can give in countless other ways, and would be wise to do so, or he may never move past poverty, and the crucial cause for extraction from inner and outer poverty is giving. Hard work of course has to be conjoined with the inner attitude of wishing to give anything and everything away. Hard work conjoined with greed will yield its result.
What distinguishes a refined human from an unrefined one is nothing that we were ever taught about it by the noisy media that inadvertently lauds crassness, opportunism, and narcissism.
But giving, as Marshall Rosenberg says, has to come from the heart; it can't be forced, demanded, or required. You work at seeing the interdependence of yourself in relation to the action of giving and the recipient of your gift. Who is really giving if the benefit of giving is profoundly yours?
Yes the recipient is benefitting perhaps in some way, but the giver benefits in a significant way as well, since he or she gets to walk away with buoyancy of body and mind. And if you give even just a dollar to a beggar whose hand is outstretched to you in that moment, with a powerful intention in your mind: may this giving serve as a cause to evolve me inwardly to the maximum degree in the shortest possible time so the universe won't regret me and all may be uplifted, well that is quantum giving.
On the other hand if your giving is used against you, to pin you to the wheel in whatever way whether through co-dependent madness, or as a way to keep you from your own dreams and aspirations, then you need to reconsider whether the way in which you give is skillful in relation to the circumstances and individuals involved. I once spoke to a Buddhist monk who was involved in Tsunami relief work. He was in charge of rebuilding an entire village and said something very interesting: we have to build them humble houses, or it won't help. If we build them fancy houses chaos will ensue because neighboring villagers will be upset.
In old Tibet they taught giving by asking you to give an apple to your own left hand with your right hand. Then you learned to offer that apple to another's hand. Slowly you would train to get over yourself. You have to start where you are. Never regret what you have given. That's an energetic no-no, so always rejoice once you've given something and dedicate the energy of the act to everyone's happiness. Give as though you were breathing, without self-reference or expectation of acknowledgment.
While I am the first to acknowledge the great value in helping others materially, I am restricted in my ability to do what the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation does, or what Oprah does. Thankfully there are no restrictions to the giving I can do through my imagination, intention, and wish.
And meanwhile, happily, I gain great satisfaction from having been there at just the moment that the last $20 of the month could be used to buy a meal for the old man who showed up at the diner alone on his birthday. You can't imagine his eyes when the waitress says to him: Happy Birthday, dinner's on your mystery friend!
So maybe since I don't feel like a loser, but feel rather like one of the wealthiest people ever, I guess I am not one, even though my bank account makes a hollow sound when tapped. That emptiness makes space for the treasure of being there for even just one stranger who gives me the rapturous fun of being able to creatively offer whatever I can in that unforgettable moment, leaving both of us transformed.
