Before I ever had health problems, before I ever found myself submerged in nature unknowingly following a path into a reclusive life... long before the change really started I never was very good at "fitting in" to society's standards. Looking back it all seems like superficial steps, practice steps, maybe baby steps into the life I would inevitably later lead - choosing the wrong kind of clothes, choosing the wrong things to say at the wrong time, the wrong music, the wrong color lipstick, the wrong haircut, the wrong colored date for the school dance.Society always seemed to have this thumb pressing down on the very nature of the human heart, and while pressing down hard it seemed there was a voice saying that unless I gave into the demands, commands and expectations I would get squished by the giant civilized thumb. If I obeyed the thumb it would let off the pressure (a forever promise), the message being that "fitting in" was all one could choose if they wanted to be "happy" in this life.
Problem was, I saw right through the facade of all the people who had heeded to the thumb. They were not happy either - that small bit of observation alone was enough to send me searching, even if was just for a darker shade of lipstick at the corner store. But when my health led me to a drastic change in plans (aka- WHat? You mean I am not going to be a famous artist with one kid married to another famous artist living in NYC?) I found a new freedom, a freedom only nature seemed to give me.
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I was diagnosed with a rare & severe form of Celiac Sprue (autoimmune disease) around age 22. I have mentioned this before and I mention it again because it was the turning point that led me to the near utter rejection of all things connected to the outside world. Outside world being, modern civilized white picket fence, windex spraying, fine (gluten) dining, consumer monster society. This was a world I already had trouble having a toe in, much less a foot in the door. Once I got sick the not-so-hypoallergenic door was slammed shut, because there would be certain social activities (like going out to eat or enjoying holidays meals) I could never be a part of again, period, finis, over.
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Nature though didn't care. Nature has no judgement or obligatory feelings. The forest celebrates everyday in the same way, and has no concern for it's kindness or cruelty. The butterflies, the crawling insects, the opossums don't go X-mas shopping, don't go on dates, grab a beer or go out to eat. They don't care if you can have babies, or if you have a real job. In fact, the more I look(ed) at the natural cycle of life, not manipulated by humans, the more life opened up and seemed to have a safe place for me after all. It was human society that had created a modern, domesticated, civilized world that I couldn't quite fit into... so I slowly, and sometimes reluctantly backed away from "normalcy", from the high expectations of a tribe I could not force myself to function in (for the sake of my health and the rest of me).
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I really believed Janis Joplan when she said "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" because at my lowest points I felt the most free from the enormous thumb of society. The less I had the less I would fret, the less I was protective of, the less I had to defend or justify. At the same time, I learned that having nothing can also be a hardship which forced me to vacillate between hating modern life and using modern life in a manipulative way to get what I wanted.
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What did and do I want?
To set myself up to not need society anymore.
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It is not just a survivalist thing, or a rewild challenge, or even just an eco friendly way to live. It's a way to avoid the thumb of society and the people who individually make it a (ass)whole- the judgement that burns your back as you walk away from a scolding neighbor, or a cold stare from the people in suburbia who not only have gave into the thumb, but went ahead and shook hands with the big ogar.
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But I dont mind being a threat to civilized & structured patterns. In fact, there is some kind of purpose and drive in ruffling up the straight line I was told to walk, a drive that reaches into my spirit in the purest form and says "keep going!"
I can say with all certainity, I am never turning back.
Not because I can't, but I don't want to. My back will stay facing the eyes of our harsh society in full protest to their robotic way of living. Even if sometimes I ask my very soul "WTF, why is THIS the path to choose? Why wasn't I just one of them?"
xoxoxo
